How to listen when people speak

She says to him, “When are you going to do that?”. An objective listener would have described her question as straightforward and neutral, seeking information.

She actually had two listeners; one who was in fact objective (me) and her soon-to-be ex-husband who was in no way objective. He was hurt, baffled and angry about the divorce, the betrayal, (the other man). This became evident only later, when he was recounting this conversation to someone else, as follows:

“And she just said to me: (His brow lowered, his face twisted in anger) , ‘And just WHEN are you going to DO that!!!?’”, his voice, his face, his entire body dedicated to the dramatization of accusation and intense hostility.

If you subtract what I heard in the original exchange from what he recounted in his retelling, you find yourself with a huge slug of hurt and anger that emerged completely from his emotional state. He was perfectly willing to attribute the venom to her. He was telling the truth, you understand, not about her, but about how he experienced what he had heard..

How we color what we hear

Once again, we are witness to the fact that we are emotional beings who are sometimes rational. We know that our emotions color what we say, but perhaps we are not so aware that they also color what we hear. We tend to think that we are clear observers of the life around us. In truth, we are seldom as clear as we think we are.

What can we learn from this?

• When hearing someone’s version of an event, be aware that the emotional component is usually lurking under the guise of reportage. Always use a grain of salt while taking it in.

• Most of us can’t really listen to other people when they talk because we’re so engulfed in our own emotions. To really HEAR what someone is saying, you need to be aware of your own preoccupations and set them aside so you can be more available to the other.