Managing graceful small talk appears to be a difficult challenge for many of us. Do take comfort in knowing that there are things to know and do that will be of enormous help in dealing with small talk.
One such tip is the concept of ‘turn taking’ in conversation. First let’s look at how this can go wrong:
- One person starts talking and never gives up the floor; a long story, a monologue ensues, requiring no interaction. This feels really good to the speaker and really boring to the listener.
- One person smiles and nods and asks more questions of the other (like the person above) but never really makes a contribution to the conversation. They are cheer-leaders, not players.
Two sides of the same coin, wouldn’t you say?
The solution: think of any conversation as having a format like ping-pong or tennis. There is a back-and-forthing to make a game actually happen. You hog the ball, there is no action. And there is no fun if you let every shot go by without a return.
So:
- Always strive to pass the ball (topic) to the other person by asking a question
- Avoid long stories
- Understand that putting your two cents in is a conversational obligation
- Treat other people attempts to converse with respect and encouragement
Back and forth it must go; it is an ”inter-action”.
Speak up, - but not too much!
If you want to learn more about how Dr. Fleming can help you improve your communication skills, please call her at telephone 415.391.9179 or send her an email at [email protected]
Carol Fleming, Ph.D., is the author of “It’s the Way You Say It”! Becoming Articulate, Well-spoken and Clear. A comprehensive guide to vocal development and improvement of communication skills.
I once had a speech client who admitted that he was a social isolate. This was revealed at the same time that he confessed that he never got the job advancement (despite having a Ph.D. from a prestigious university), was never included socially and certainly never got a girl. He spent much time telling me how others ignored him (and probably plotted against him!).
What was finally revealed was that:
- He made absolutely no effort to talk to anybody himself.
- He lived in his own bubble of silence.
- He did not understand that this very behavior was a big ‘Go away’ to other people and that he would be perceived as rude.
- He did not know that it was in his power and in his best self-interest to create the possibility of relationship with others.
His first homework assignment: to offer a ‘hello’ to someone every day. You laugh. But you must start somewhere. He was to actually make eye-contact with someone on the elevator and offer some verbal greeting, just one human being acknowledging another.
You would think I had asked him to have open-heart surgery. Well, I guess, in a way, I did.
How about you? How much of an effort do you make to connect in real time with real face-to-face people? And I am talking about everybody from the custodian to the CEO of your organization. Much good comes from being recognized as an amiable person.
Of course, you know that it is nice to talk to everybody. I’m not talking about ‘nice’ today; I’m talking bout self-interest.
- It is in your self-interest to be polite.
- To be polite is to offer people both warmth and respect. At the same time.
- You must acknowledge the other person through your eyes and voice, recognizing their existence but not intruding into their mental and physical space. You do not go for a handshake but you do say, “hello”. We’re talking baby steps here.
- As Steinbeck said, “Be the inferior of no man, nor of any man be the superior. Remember that every man is a variation of yourself.”
The respect you offer to others will be returned to you.
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If you want to learn more about how Dr. Fleming can help you improve your communication skills, please call her at telephone 415.391.9179 or send her an email at [email protected]
Carol Fleming, Ph.D., is the author of “It’s the Way You Say It”! Becoming Articulate, Well-spoken and Clear. A comprehensive guide to vocal development and improvement of communication skills.
