How to Really Compliment a Speaker

I spoke at The Commonwealth Club last week. Here is one of the emails I received:

“Monday night’s speech was terrific!

I just finished an important Company presentation (online & phone) with 6 key players on a very important subject. I attached 2 small sticky notes with tips from your speech to the bottom of my PC monitor. One said “speak slow & deliberate”. The other said “pause“.

I got several nice compliments at the end from the participants. Thanks Dr. Fleming!”

Now why do you suppose I really like this message? You would think it was the “terrific” comment, wouldn’t you? Has he just confirmed worthiness on me and with what authenticity? Actually such expressions are formulaic and do not tell you exactly what was valued. Indeed, it could be just a feel-good dismissal, there could be sarcasm involved, and you really don’t know anything about your effectiveness.

BUT, look carefully at the rest of his message:

• He showed me that he took in some specific information from the talk and that I was making a difference in the way I want to.

• He told me what he did consequent to my talk (took the time to make notes and stuck a few to his monitor), that my speaking led to an action.

• He used those particular hints to pace his presentation. His specificity increased the authenticity of the compliment.

• He told me that he received compliments as a result of the hints; my speaking made a difference to him.

This is all without the distortion of hyperbole but with the ring of sincerity. What more do you want? Thank you, Richard.

You can see more examples of the sensitive use of language to transform relationships in my book, It’s the Way You Say It: Becoming Articulate, Well-spoken and Clear, p.102.

To learn more about how Dr. Fleming can help you improve your communication skills, please call her at telephone 415.391.9179 or send her an email at [email protected]

Carol Fleming, Ph.D., is the author of “It’s the Way You Say It: Becoming Articulate, Well-spoken and Clear”. A comprehensive guide to vocal development and improvement of communication skills. . To get your own copy, go to http://amzn.to/ItsTheWayYouSayIt