This question appeared in an on-line column, as follows:
Q: I’m the only woman in an otherwise male sales team. Lately, I’ve felt that some of my colleagues have been dismissive and patronizing towards me, but when I confronted them about it they said they were only joking and it was just “banter. Should I make a formal complaint or grin and bear it?
There were three answers submitted to this by three men:
- this reveals a dismissive attitude; you are perceived as a threat and should report it
- don’t report it; give it back and humiliate them
- this banter reveals acceptance; you are in on a shared joke
Do you wonder why this woman is confused? (What’s the matter?! Can’t you take a joke?) This is an extremely complicated communication situation and I warn you right now, there is no easy answer.
You must first try to determine if the person meant to be hurtful or playful. You probably can’t do this right away. I advise you to think like an anthropologist and observe the behavior for a while. This attitude will help you develop a tougher skin and to find an appropriate response. If you get offended by a remark meant to be a joke, that relationship becomes strained.
While you are making up your mind to decide if you should feel insulted,
- You can laugh and go along with the joke
- Give as good as you get
- Ignore it
When you have had enough evidence to think clearly, you may have to deal directly with the offensive person by saying “That kind of remark is inappropriate in the workplace”, and walk away.
For other kinds of social communication you might get Dr. Fleming’s The Serious Business of Small Talk.
